In my role as agony uncle for millions of tortured technological souls, I am occasionally asked to mediate between warring nerdy couples.
It doesn’t often go well. They’re attached to their predilections. Apple fanboys in particular can be unforgiving souls when they see their loved ones snuggling with an Android.
However, when your Apple fanboyfriend upsets you, you have several options.
You could buy exclusively Android products and wave them over his face as he tries to watch TV. You could buy a Samsung Galaxy Note and constantly whisper in his ear: “Mine’s bigger than yours.”
Or you could just grab all his Apple products when he’s not home and drown them in the bath.
This last choice was made by a Japanese woman who flies by the Twitter handle @foolishnessfly2. She has become something of a celebrity because she felt scorned by her lying, cheating, no-good charlatan of a man.
(Look, I don’t know him. He may be a lovely chap. They could have been having heinous problems. Or this could be one humungous wheeze. This is the Internet and my Japanese is limited to ‘I love you’ and “No, I’m not married.”)
What I am relatively sure of is that the image she posted contains at least one very wet iPhone, an iPad, and what might be an iMac. And the caption which Twitter translated for me, via Bing, reads: “Got caught having an affair, but all appliances bath botch flies to prevent not?”
Yes, you should botch your flies in order to prevent your Apple gadgets flying into the bath. Everyone knows this. Some learn the hard way.
As one Twitter commenter, @womenspeakup, offered: “He’s lucky that you aren’t Lorena Bobbitt.”
Some Japanese speakers on Twitter have endorsed the essence of Bing’s translation. For example, @Allocer90 offered: “Basically some dude cheated on his wife and while he was out she sent these photos of what she did lol.”
There is no lol here. There is no such thing as “just girlfriend.” There is only justice in love and injustice in love.
If this woman experienced hurt at the hands of a faithless lover, her revenge was very modern.
Once, the scorned used to cut up clothes and toss them out of the window. But if you go for their gadgets, there might be untold data, images and digital mementos tossed to the deep, once and for all.
Trousers can be replaced, bygone selfies might not be.
I wonder whether the man in question will come forward and admit his sins. Lord help him if he tries to tempt her back with electronics.