Before anything, let me just say that I haven’t had an easy life. I’ve kept this hidden for a long time, and I’m now willing to make it public. I have been through things people would vomit at, including rape via a preschool teacher, rape via a female, repeat, a FEMALE peer my own age later in life, psychological experiments, emotional abuse, brainwashing/conditioning at the hands of fellow students which was advocated by the staff and many other horrible things throughout childhood. I have been in abusive friendship after abusive friendship because that was what I was taught was “normal”.
If people think I was always against the SJW movement, I wasn’t. I used to be anti-police, pro-feminism, you name it. But… that all came to a crashing end.
If you think people are immune to suffering because they’re a “privileged straight white male”, you’re dead wrong. I have said before I consider myself an anomaly to the social justice crowd; A glitch in the matrix, if you will. White privilege, for all the buzz about it, did nothing for me. Also, for the record, I did Buzzfeed’s little “privilege test” and got the red.
I also want everyone to know that the reason I joined the anti-social-justice movement is because I felt threatened as an author and felt my struggles would be marginalized because I am a white male. To be honest, they were.
But enough about that. What made me who I am, you ask? It all traces back to a situation with someone I trusted and the abuse from my malignant narcissist “best friend”, [Redacted], whose name I will not publish in this blog due to the fact that I’ve come to the realization that is vindictive enough to sue anyone who slanders his new fame.
“If you find a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the primary difference between a dog and a man.”
– Mark Twain
My work always circled around compassion and kindness to others, because I was formerly very loving and delighted in caring for people. I was, for all intents and purposes, too loving for this world. I never expecting anything in return, was empathetic and kind. I used to be very passive, shunning conflict at every turn and always striving to be a good person.
Where did it go sour?
One day, for reasons I will not disclose, the flood gates opened. The repressed memories from the special needs school I went to as a child were uncovered in full force. That’s when all hell broke loose in my life. My parents begged my therapist to help with the traumas I remembered, but all she could do was give useless suggestions. They neglected to consider looking for a new therapist or alternative treatments because we had become so attached to said therapist.
It was only under my best friend’s compassionless advice that we, or rather I, decided to seek alternative help. By that point the damage had been done and I was a completely different person. PTSD, slight paranoia, broken spirt, depression and self-esteem issues. But… I was still the ray of sunshine I always was.
[Redacted] constantly preached about how his morals were superior, using Christianity to justify it. We both had our own version of the Christian faith. Mine was love and compassion, his was fire and brimstone. Although I tried to preach kindness to him, I realize I had enabled his behavior to a vast extent while keeping him from making larger mistakes, such as his idea to commit mass murder at his university. However, after they crucified him in the name of the Feminist agenda by actively targeting him for a smear campaign using his class schedule and strategically-placed “victims”, I can see why he felt backed into a corner.
I can only take what [redacted] said with a grain of salt nowadays, but the fact that be became, in his own words, “A Vindictive Asshole” made me re-think the entire effect Feminism and Social Justice has on society. He said, and I quote, “The nicer you are, the harder they f*** you”.
[Redacted] had been through several failed relationships, each during which he blamed the other person fully and stretched the truth as malignant narcissism dictates, but he wasn’t always a complete monster. In fact, the reason he actively discarded what compassion and empathy he had and became so cruel seems to point directly to the bullying he received in the past from SJW crowd at his university and his trips to the mental institution. Note that both the people I’ve known who have gone into a psych ward have emerged infinitely worse than when they arrived, not better.
Once [Redacted] abandoned all his empathy and fully embraced pathological narcissism, his life oddly started to get better. Meanwhile, mine only got worse, as I had only just begun to transfer therapies after years of a therapist who, although likely well meaning, only served to further my pain. Not to mention discounting the supernatural experiences I’ve had, but those… ugh… those little doozies are stories for another day.
Due to lacking empathy, [Redacted] found it hard to treat me with the kindness I showed him in the past. I was an injured soul, and the way he treated me was cruel beyond measure. At one point, he emotionally bullied me into denying all my abuse, and another nearly murdered me in my sleep because I felt fearful of his vindictive and hateful words and felt I would call the campus police.
Our D&D campaigns used to circle around romance, justice and compassion. But… somewhere along the lines, [Redacted] changed it to only serve his current personal emotional/mental state no matter what happened. I eventually tired of it, and he saw me as a monster for not indulging him. He constantly pressed his own views onto people and demonized everyone who didn’t.
Now… what caused the change in me myself? Heartbreak. I will not go into detail, but severe heartbreak caused a mental breakdown during which I called both my friends and said they would betray me. [Redacted] responded with anger and hate, saying I betrayed him by saying he would betray me, and in doing so proved me right. This caused a second, more serious mental breakdown.
During my pain, I thought to myself, ‘Why did all my bullies get ahead? Why do compassionless people always succeed?
Why do hateful people always gain status?’
[Redacted] always said he would teach me now to hate. Inadvertently, he did. I began to feel as if I became more like him and stopped being compassionate to people, I would get success.
I was wrong.
I was passive. He was aggressive. I needed to be assertive. The problem is, I was never taught how. In my quest to find the balance between the two, I’ve accidentally alienated most of the few decent friends in my life with too much aggression.
Do I regret it? Yes. Can I change it? No. Do I still want balance? Yes.
…To be honest, all I’ve ever wanted was peace and unity among humanity, and I see SJWs and Feminists not as an ally to that goal, but an enemy. The divide and oppress people under the guise of “equality”.
Here are some quotes that should be well-remembered today.
“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”
“Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.”
– Martin Luther King Jr
“You would better educate ten women into the practice of liberal principles than to organize a thousand on a platform of intolerance and bigotry.”
– Susan B. Anthony
“Power in the hands of the reformer is no less potentially corrupting the hands of the oppressor.”
– Derrick A. Bell
“Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster… for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.”
– Friedrich Nietzsche
“What is it with progressives and social justice? What is their endgame? Is it to make everyone with white skin subservient to people with darker skin? Yes, I understand that people with darker skin were treated badly in the past, but is you form of justice to swing it the other way around? Is that what you want? For people with white skin to be slaves for a while? Because if that’s the end goal, then you’re just creating a cycle; A cycle of hatred and racial division! What happens when it swings back around? And it will swing back around; that’s how cycles work, in fifty or a hundred years, after you’ve succeeded in making white people a lesser class of human? What do you think is going to happen? When you talk about bringing ‘the white man’ to justice, do you not think that they will want revenge and their own form of justice in the future? You aren’t bringing justice to anyone. You’re just trying to get vengeance upon people for some… perceived slight; for something these individuals living now have nothing to do with. And when it gets bad enough, they too are going to want vengeance. You aren’t creating… a utopia… you’re creating a world of hatred and racial division. Your children and your children’s children are going to have to deal with the social backlash of what you’re doing now, and unfortunately, I can’t do anything about it… I can’t stop the cycle of hate. It’s up to the media and big businesses which have given their support. It’s up to the social justice crowd to lay down their arms and… forego their turn at being hateful…. That’s the only way it stops….”
– Kothorix, from the speech “White People”
As for myself…. what do I believe now? I still believe in the same principles of unity and egalitarianism I have for a long time now. But… I also realize social justice and progressivism is only creating more hatred and anger. And just like Kothorix, I can’t stop it.
I can only shake my head at what humanity has become. I no longer have faith in people’s ability to properly perceive the messages my work sends.
I also must wonder… When then see a LGBTQ+ character portrayed as an actual person with real living emotions, flaws and adorable characteristics instead of a pandering character who suits their narrative, will they hate me? When they take a look at my females, even the stronger ones that I have purposely made to show what a true empowered woman looks like, will they criticize me for showing their feminine and nurturing side? When I do a person of color or minority, will they despise me for not portraying them all in a 100% positive light, even if they change their ways and become good people later on? When I utilize mythology and customs from other cultures, will they bully me for “Cultural Appropriation”?
To be honest, I don’t care whether SJWs like my work or not. It’s merely the attitude of the left and right that fills me with disappointment and lack of faith in humanity.
I hope, just hope that one day people will start to see each other in a more positive light in place of labels or platforms. But… all I see nowadays is people showing resentment towards one another. I’m sadly guilty of it myself to a point.
To tell the honest truth, I don’t want to join in with such a hateful rhetoric. I never did. However, my PTSD can cause my personality to shift quite drastically if I feel threatened, albeit only from a verbal and emotional standpoint. With all this hate on the internet, I find myself constantly bombarded with constant negativity. It’s not good for my well-being and I sometimes say horrible things due to my altered state.
I want to be the loving, caring person I once was. But… the problem is, the world keeps shoving all this cruelty and mutual disgust in my face and I keep feeling the need to fight back. I want to go back to that person who always cared for everyone and showed compassion to those who were injured. I merely need a reason to.
What made us come to this as a species?
Tears for what this world has become.
Tears for the people tearing us apart.
Tears for the people killing others based on their views.
Tears for people berating others for the color of their skin.
Tears for humanity.
My only request is thus – If I do begin to write again… especially if my work becomes popular… I beg of you this.
Please take every good message I send to heart.
Please soak in exactly what I’m trying to say, rather than using it to push an agenda.
Please understand that I speak through my work more than anything else, and although I do not approve of everything my characters or worlds do, I do approve in how they always care for and love those with less power or fortune than them.
…This is my request. If I ever take up the double-edged, world-shattering blade known as the pen again, please let all of the positive messages and life-lessons in my work sink in.
This is my request